I love the feeling of sailing in the air mid-spin, I love looking down at the floor when I’m sitting high up on the pole, I love the power rush of being strong enough to lift my weight just for a few seconds…
And then some days I feel like I’m a joke and I should just leave pole dancing to the people who can handle it.
On days like that I’ll get overwhelmed by the amount of strength needed for certain moves that my body doesn’t yet possess. Or I’ll notice how fast and seemingly effortlessly the other girls progress, and feel pressured to keep up or get ‘left behind’. Things start to get stressful, class is no longer fun, frustration simmers, and my arms feel like useless little twigs made of straw instead of muscle.
Then right on cue, the stage curtains open and my personal demon makes her grand entrance, horns glowing with flourish.
“And who exactly did you think you were?!” she booms…
“Taking on this pole dancing nonsense? How many times do I have to remind you that your place is in my shadows where no one can see you? Now get back there and leave all this for the people who know what they’re doing!”
I always want to listen to her at first, but then I remember that I’m no longer a frightened little girl. And I start to speak up:
“But MissGuidance” I plead, “I’m still new to all this, can’t you cut me some slack?”
“Absolutely not!” she’ll spit, “Just look at how talented your pole buddy is! You guys started at the same time but she’s got double your strength, dances like a pro and she’ll be an instructor before you even learn the chopper! That’s the kind of person who should be pole dancing, not a weakling like you!”
“But MissGuidance” I rationalize, “It’s not a competition… Besides, I’ve come such a long way since I first started remember? Can’t I take it a little slowly?”
“Well yes, you have..” she might admit, “but that’s only cos it was just the easy beginner stuff you got past. It’s going to get ten times harder from now on and there’s no way you’re going to be able to hack it after this.”
“You’re right, MissGuidance” I coo, “It Will only get harder from here. And I know I’ll have to work my sorry little ass off just to progress slowly.”
“And that requires discipline, which you don’t have. Don’t make me bring up the time you were 15 and wanted to learn the guitar… Why don’t you stop fooling yourself now and just walk away while you still have some dignity?”, offers the demon thoughtfully, while I cringe thinking of my non-existent guitar skills.
“Okay, okay. How bout we make a deal?” I counter offer. “What if I promise that if I really can’t hack it I’ll quit, pretend all this never happened, and you can tell me you told me so for the rest of my life?”
“Really?” Her eyes narrow. “If you fail I get to say I Told You So forever?”
“Yes” I nod solemnly. “Just not today.”
“Deal!” she barks happily. “Btw you do know that I only have your best interests at heart right?”
“Of course” I grin.
“Fine, I’ll be back later to check if you’re ready to throw in the towel yet. And FYI, you still suck.”
Then *poof* off she goes, back to the shadows.
I admit, sometimes that conversation lasts a lot longer than I want it to. In fact, it usually does. And not just about pole of course. MissGuidance has a way of poking her nose into anything I do, particularly if it’s something important to me.
But usually I feed her the same magical line and it works: If I suck and I fail, I’ll quit. But just not today.
Just not today 🙂