Like being naked in a dream

Over the past 2 and a half years I’ve been running a company with my husband and it’s been one hell of a ride. Working together without killing each other was a huge challenge in the first year but we’ve found a great rhythm now and really enjoy it. People ask me all the time what its like to work with your partner and still spend time together at home after that. I say it’s a great thing cos I get to work with my favourite person!

Still, a girl’s gotta have enough ‘Me’ time. Plus, the business we’re in is very male-oriented and I need to stay balanced cos I was starting to seriously burn out.

Enter pole dancing of course, where I can get away from all the masculine energy in the office and express my femininity while working those abs. Unfortunately I spent most of my life never working out so there’s only so much poling I can handle before my body pleads for leniency.

Which leaves my spirit still in need of asylum.

So one of the reasons I started this blog was to reconnect with myself and create a mental sanctuary of sorts.

For that to happen, I had to let go of all my biases about public personal blogs and embrace the very things I tried to avoid, like talking about myself. Turns out, I quite enjoy it! So I am in fact the self-absorbed narcissist I always suspected I was.

It’s also hard trying to articulate my scrambled thoughts, and most of all to fight my harsh inner critic that still shouts questions like: ‘Who the hell cares about this badly written crap anyway?!’, and ‘Shouldn’t you spend your spare time doing meaningful things like trying to save dolphins instead??’

It’s a big step out of comfort zone, to say the least. I’ve always loved privacy and sharing my feelings is akin to having one of those dreams where you’re walking around naked. But I can’t stay in my comfort zone any longer, which is why I’ve been on a mini-sabbatical from work since Monday.

I’ve since been told that it’s just called taking annual leave but since this is the first time I’ve taken proper leave in two and a half years, it feels like an entire sabbatical.

Actually, it feels like total skiving and I’ve been feeling guilty about not doing productive things like waking up at 5am to go to the Botanic Gardens, or baking cupcakes before marching to the library like a proper good citizen…  Instead I’ve been lying around in bed doing pretty much f*ck-all and posing my important life questions to my cat. (Tip: Dogs probably make better listeners. Damned felines are just too bloody detached) 

Fortunately, I have friends who do listen and give great advice. Bestie helpfully pointed out that an initial period of doing nothing is required for mental clarity. Ah, permission to space out! But wait, why do I need permission in the first place? Why do I feel so compelled to be productive? Is it because deep down I suspect that I’m good-for-nothing? Why does the nail polish only on my second toe chip off after pole practice? Why indeed.

So here I am on a short sabbatical of sorts, feeling like I’m floating in no-man’s land and giving myself the permission to simply be. And I’m seeing that it’s much easier to constantly stay occupied than it is to slow down, face myself, and reflect. Oh and that it’s Really hard to get into a habit of writing.

I’m still trying to get comfortable in my own skin, be myself, and have fun doing it. Damn, who would have known it’s really the hardest thing of all?

About Chwenny

Body, soul, and pole!
This entry was posted in I'm just saying.. and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Like being naked in a dream

  1. nielle says:

    everyone needs to drift at some point of time. drifting is extremely good to your mind, says my therapist. hahahha! it’s true. drift as in just get out of the bed and not having any plans and then go wherever you wanna go or see whatever u wanna see…without any plans at all. roam free…drift for a day or two. helps to clear up your mind.

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